in my dream

in my dream, i woke up in my bed to the sound of a lock scratching. you know that chilling heat that spreads through your body at the moment of fear? my toes tingled with it. in a moment of bravery i wouldn't associate with myself during waking hours, i got out of bed, unlocked my bedroom door, and walked into the dark kitchen. to my right, the exterior door, both locks undone, hung open to a dark and apparently empty stairwell. the door to the spare bedroom was open; the opening was covered by a floor-length red curtain, blowing slightly in a breeze whose source i didn't know.

"is someone there?" i could hear the anguish in my own voice, an almost strangled combination of fear and resignation. i didn't recognize him when he walked out from behind the curtain, but he was definitely male, and young. i don't think he said anything. the gun he raised from his side looked almost old-fashioned, small, and in the weird half-dark i almost thought it looked like there was brass on it.

i winced and closed my eyes when he held it up to my forehead. he shot anyway.

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there may have been moments that i've felt lonelier, but when i awoke from that it made me wonder if i've ever felt more hopeless.

the wrath of achilles

in much the same way, wrath is starting to control my life, again. it's almost always there, now, eating away at whatever i have left that approximates a soul. i had thought that this time things would be different; that, for once, someone would go out of their way to make me happy. but i'm coming to the realization that most men in relationships are more complacent than dogs; as long as they're comfortable, they'll put in minimum effort to keep the status quo. all my friends disliked d. for the same reason; maybe i'm drawn to men that will tell me they love to keep me maintaining a relationship. sure, they're grateful. but the motivation for reciprocity, it seems, is totally one-sided when it comes to men and me.

how depressing. i had thought maybe, just maybe, i would have proven wrong this deep-seated fear that i'll grow old to be bitter and lonely; but life has treated me too well in every other aspect. in this one, apparently, i can't win. wrath will end it all.